"Striving Together"
Spring 2003

Susan W. Tanner
Young Women General President

Introduction

Sister Tanner: "Sister Parkin, I found this beautiful statue that would look great in your office. Here, catch!"

Sister Parkin: "No. Don't throw it!"

Sister Tanner: "Why not? I'm in a big hurry."

Sister Parkin: "It's way too precious. It might break. Then it would be gone forever."

Sister Tanner: "OK. I'll do it right." (Wraps it up and carefully hands it to her.)

Sister Parkin: "Thank you. I will really treasure this. It's a beautiful piece and worth so much. I'll take good care of it in every way."

Transitions

Sister Tanner: All of us are working with something far more precious than this statue—beautiful young women and young adult women. Somewhere in their late teens and early young adult life we are losing them. It is our sacred responsibility as leaders in Young Women and Relief Society, along with families, to make sure they are not falling through the cracks. It takes a team effort, a whole ward, to do it.

Sister Parkin and I love these young women so much. We feel so strongly about a unified approach in helping them make the transition from young womanhood into fully active, participating adult women. The Young Women leaders need to do everything they can in meetings, in lessons, and in activities to prepare the girls for further growing experiences. They need to be positive in their conversations about older women in the ward and adult activities. They need to involve the young sisters in compassionate service right in their own wards so they can serve their sisters of any age. There is no room for being territorial about our auxiliaries.

Sister Parkin: Likewise, Relief Society women have a huge responsibility. They need to become acquainted with the girls, know their names, learn about their activities and interests, and make every effort to fellowship them. A comfort level needs to develop long before the young women turn 18, so that when they do, they will have older friends ready to receive them. Remember, they are far more precious and beautiful than this lovely sculpture.

First Presidency Letter

Sister Tanner: As our general presidencies have earnestly prayed about and discussed this defining time in the lives of young women, we have unitedly proposed some recommendations for you to use in your stakes and wards. This list of suggestions has been approved by the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve because they too want us to do everything within our power to save our young women.

One of the amazing things about these suggestions is that they came to us as we studied the Church Handbook of Instructions. (Please read this overhead with me. Now tell me the colors that you see.) Both words and colors are there before our eyes. Usually we find the words easier to read because we are in the habit of reading words. It was harder for us to look at the same words with a new focus, color. But it was also fun. It broadened our perspective. Now let's look at the handbook with a broadened perspective and try to see what is there that we might not have seen that will help us meet the needs of our women and young women.

Handbook

Everything we would like you to try comes from the handbook. We are not handing out new programs; we are just recommending ways to implement the already written word. The suggestions that you choose to follow should only be done under the direction of your own priesthood leaders, in consultation with both auxiliary presidents. This is another very important time when stake and ward councils will assist you in making decisions. Unity among the leaders will mean everything to the success of anything you try. Doctrine and Covenants 38:27 says, "Be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine."

We are recommending that Relief Society sisters and young women gather together. The handbook says, "[The ward Relief Society president] could arrange with the Young Women president to have these young women visit and participate in Relief Society Sunday meetings, [home, family, and personal enrichment] meetings, or activities suited to their interests" (Church Handbook of Instructions, Book 2: Priesthood and Auxiliary Leaders [1998], 206, 214). What are the needs of young women? What are the benefits of meeting together? How can this suggestion help youth make the transition to womanhood? What are some of the logistical issues in following this recommendation?

A Friend, a Responsibility, Nurturing

President Hinckley has told us that to retain converts in the Church, each one needs "a friend, a responsibility, and nurturing with 'the good word of God' (Moro. 6:4)" (Ensign, May 1997, 47). These needs are equally important in retaining our youth and helping them transition to fully active women in the Church. Meeting together with young and old alike helps us to get to know one another better. As we get to know each other, we get to like each other. It's like the old song says, "Getting to know you, getting to know all about you. Getting to like you, getting to hope you like me" (lyrics taken from Rodgers and Hammerstein, "Getting to Know You," The King and I [1956]).

A Friend

I have long been grateful for my mother's wise observations that young and old alike can be friends and that women of all ages can bolster one another in caring relationships. She believed that any of our friends were also her friends. She kept an open-door policy in our home, always encouraging us to have our companions come to our house for election-campaign parties, for barbecues, for bake-and-take cookies night, for bridal showers, for outside night games, for just sit-around-and-chat nights, or for anything else. She also liked detailed recounting of my days because she wanted to get to know the people in my life.

I remember the Christmas Eve of my senior year in high school. One of my good friends had a devastating experience with a Sub-for-Santa project that she had worked on diligently. The people she took the gifts to were not only ungrateful, they were outright rude to her about the gifts. She called our house very late that night in tears. Because I was already in bed, she poured out her heart to my good listening parents. It didn't really matter if it was me or them with whom she shared. She knew they loved and cared for her as much as I did.

Likewise my mom believed in sharing her friends with me. She told me about the ways they loved and supported her, about their lives and their children, about their hardships and their stamina, and about their many wonderful character qualities. She held mother-daughter luncheons and provided other such ways for me to be around them. Once at a Lambda Delta Sigma conference where she presided as one of the international officers, she invited me to come stay with her. That night in her hotel room all of the officers gathered together, and Elaine Cannon, the Lambda Delta Sigma president at the time, called on me to pray. I still remember how important that made me feel and how affirming that was to me in my young life. My mother's friends supported me through all my growing years with hugs and encouraging words, with bridal showers and graduation remembrances, and with many other kindnesses.

Just recently I went on my first international training trip for the Church. When I arrived in Spain after that night flight with almost no sleep, there was Joanne Doxey, the matron of the Madrid Temple. She was formerly my mom's counselor in the Relief Society presidency and has long been one of my role models, heroines, and favorite people in all the world. Seeing her there to greet me was the next best thing to having my own mother standing there. She hugged me and called me Sue, a nickname that no one calls me except my family. To be cradled in her love was exactly what I needed in my tired, nervous state.

Many of my dear friends in life have come in older or younger packages. We are united by our common values and our caring for each other. When we moved to the home where we now live, I was a young mother with a busy family. My parents and my husband's parents were often away on Church assignments or missions, so I didn't always have an older, wiser person in my life to turn to with my questions, my joys, and my griefs. I soon discovered Grandma Faulkner, our widowed backyard neighbor. She would sit on her porch and encourage any child (or adult) in the neighborhood to come sit with her and recount our many blessings. She always had a treat for the little ones. And she always had a bit of wisdom and wit for me. I found we had the same values and hopes and dreams for our posterity. She worried aloud to me about all of her children and grandchildren. She also, like many women of her era, knew how to stretch a dollar. I too am very frugal (my children say I am cheap). My son used to tease that all Grandma Faulkner and I ever talked about was the wickedness of this world and being frugal with our means. We did enjoy each other. There was no generation gap between us, even though there was almost half a century difference in our ages. What a blessing she was to me and to my family.

Likewise, I had friends who were much younger than I. A number of years ago when we took a group of BYU students to London for a Study Abroad program, it was a big adjustment for me with our family life. Suddenly we were one big family with about 40 students and two other professors and their families. We no longer had any privacy because all of our meals were together; we went to classes together; we saw London as a group; and we traveled to outlying sites on a bus together and stayed in hostels, which were anything but private. All of this had a bonding effect in a way, but it was also difficult like it is when one is adjusting to the differences and the constant togetherness of a new marriage. Another difficulty I was facing was schooling my five children. I soon realized that meeting all of their needs in addition to keeping up with the advanced high school math was going to be quite a task. One of our BYU students was a math major, and she was willing to tutor our two oldest children with their math a couple of times a week. Not only was she a great math teacher, she became a lifelong friend to me and to my children through that experience. She was the very friend I needed at this time. I was practically an old woman from her young adult viewpoint, but we were on exactly the same page when it came to the things that mattered most to both of us.

Can these kinds of relationships grow as we meet together in meetings? They will, as we learn each other's names, as we learn of each other's activities and challenges, as we share our hopes and dreams. We will feel united as we fast and pray, sing and serve, laugh and learn together. In spite of our age differences, we share commonalities. We all go through hard times—sickness, loneliness, change. Our love is strengthened as we share our experiences and the faith that helps us through. We also learn to have fun together as we laugh when we hear about someone's first date or most embarrassing experience. As we come together we will have "one eye, . . . one faith and one baptism, having [our] hearts knit together in unity and in love one towards another" (Mosiah 18:21).

A Responsibility

Young adult women need opportunities to serve in callings, to have a responsibility. Young Women leaders need to prepare the girls to be ready for future callings that will come to them. We give them opportunities to conduct meetings, to participate in music, to take leadership responsibilities in class presidencies, to lead out in compassionate service, to teach doctrines in lessons, and to bear their testimonies. My own daughter was called to serve as my visiting teaching companion just as she graduated from high school. Her Young Women leaders had prepared her well. Yet still it was scary for her.

MaryAnne, my daughter, was a very well-adjusted 18-year-old. She had had wonderful experiences at school and at church. Yet the whole idea of growing up and leaving her realm of comfort and safety made her feel uneasy. In May, just before graduation, our Relief Society president called MaryAnne to be my visiting teaching companion. She also assigned two wonderful women in the ward to begin visiting MaryAnne.

Publicly MaryAnne was eager and happy about these assignments, but privately she confessed to me that it felt strange to suddenly be a part of this grown-up world. She worried that she wouldn't have anything to say or to teach the older sisters. I assured her that she would come to love visiting teaching because the visits are so uplifting and inspiring. I told her that the method of teaching allows for us to share great scriptures and quotes from our leaders and then open up a discussion to learn from each sister's ideas, experiences, and testimonies. And beyond the visit is the watch-care. Self-centeredness and fears get lost as we seek to compassionately meet the needs of others. Likewise, it is so comforting to know that there are sisters who care about us and pray for us with a special responsibility.

So the first month we went together, my daughter made the appointments, and I gave the lesson so she could see how it is supposed to be done. (I actually learned from her "how it is supposed to be done" as far as making the appointments. One of MaryAnne's great gifts is that she never procrastinates. She was equally prompt in this new assignment. In the short time that we served together in this capacity, we always went some time in the first week of the month.) I thought that first visit went well and that MaryAnne was comfortable immediately. But in the next visit it was her turn to lead the discussion about motherhood. MaryAnne's worries again surfaced. She exclaimed, "I can't teach Sister Nelson anything about motherhood. She's the best mother in the ward! I feel so inadequate." I asked her if she liked any of the quotes in the lesson. I asked her if she had a testimony of the importance of motherhood. I asked her with a teasing smile if she knew of any examples of good mothering. I asked her if she wanted to learn from Sister Nelson how she had become such a great mother. She got the point. The lesson in Sister Nelson's home that day was so sweet, especially for me. I had the opportunity to see into the soul of my young daughter—to hear her thoughts and profound testimony about the importance of mothering in the home.

Each visit became less intimidating for MaryAnne. Instead of telling me of her fears, she started expressing the love and admiration she felt for the sisters we visited. She began to think of ways that we might be able to help them. She was developing a closeness to them. At the same time she felt friendship and fellowship, love and caring from the sisters who faithfully visited her each month. That summer MaryAnne not only learned the how-to's of visiting teaching, but we, as a mother-daughter team in the service of other women, grew closer together. As we worked to respond to the needs of our sisters, we had the opportunity to hear each other's best thoughts on spiritual matters and to sense and testify of what is of most importance in our hearts. What a blessing to a mother-daughter relationship!

MaryAnne needed leaders both in Young Women and in Relief Society who were watching out for her. The Young Women leaders had coached her, given her love and confidence, and provided her with opportunities to learn how to serve and lead. Then the Relief Society immediately stepped in to let her know she was still needed and cared about. I was blessed as a mother to have a nurturing role through it all, as well.

Now MaryAnne is a visiting teacher in her student ward at BYU. Sometimes she calls home in a moment of distress and says to me, "Mom, these girls over here do not understand how to be good visiting teachers."

Nurturing

We must also teach young women provident living skills that will prepare them for their futures. Both Mutual and home, family, and personal enrichment are great meetings for this. Young women need to know how to sew on a button, make a white sauce, and balance a checkbook. When I was Laurel adviser, I was working with a group of young women who had only one year left before they had to face the world, making real-life decisions and being on their own. I asked them, "What do you need to know to be prepared for life one year from now?" They made a list. They wanted to know how to make meals, not just cookies. They wanted to know how to balance a checkbook, and they had other questions about finances—credit and debit cards, savings plans, and so on. They wanted to know how to fill out school applications, how to have a successful job interview, how to change a flat tire and replenish low oil in a car, and how to care for young children of various ages and stages. Mothers and fathers and even some of the girls with such expertise were invited to help teach these things. Each week's activity was kept to an hour. Poor attendance had been a problem before, but now there was almost 100 percent attendance every time. The girls had identified their needs, and these needs were being met. They were being taught relevant life skills.

Councils

Now a word about the logistics of meeting together. Our stewardship is to bring young women to Christ. If meeting together occasionally will help us not to lose them (and we and our priesthood brethren think it will), then we will figure out ways to do it. Work together in councils to decide how to make it work. Where is the appropriate and big enough space in your building? What other auxiliaries might be affected? Who would be in charge of planning, conducting, leading music, and so on? Under the direction of the priesthood with each auxiliary involved, these issues can be solved.

I would like to bear my testimony to you about the process in recommending this transition letter. We have been so blessed in its preparation. Soon after I was called, Elder Hales said at the conclusion of a meeting that there is great unity that exists among the general auxiliary presidencies because there is important work to do. Our unified approach has caused little miracles along the way as we have worked together as Young Women and Relief Society presidencies under the direction of our priesthood leaders. We are one in our purpose for our young people. The scriptures admonish us to "stand fast in one spirit, with one mind striving together for the faith of the gospel; . . . that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind" (Philippians 1:27; 2:2). I know you too will be blessed as you stand fast in one spirit and one mind, striving together to save our youth.

Unity in Presidencies

As we move forward in one spirit and one mind, let me comment on the work of presidencies. Presidents, don't overlook the tremendous resource your counselors provide. They can bless your life as a president. Here are several important points to remember in presidencies.

Delegation

Share the responsibility. Delegate to your counselors; then trust them to do their job. There's no way you can handle the workload alone. Presidents are the only ones who can do certain administrative things. Counselors can handle other assignments. You trusted them enough to choose them, so you should trust them enough to help run the programs.

Counsel from Counselors

Good information makes for good inspiration. Be open-minded about counselors' ideas. They are good leaders in their own right, and they can direct you and help you in good ways that you may not have even thought of. It is also important for them to know that you really do appreciate their help and ideas. They will rise to the level of your expectation and need for them. For example, regarding the transition letter, the two things that my counselors were most concerned about ended up being the very two things that the Apostles were worried about in one meeting and the First Presidency was worried about in another meeting. This made me more acutely aware of what great counselors I have; not only do they have sound ideas, but they are also guided spiritually for what is needful.

Safety in Decision-Making

Three heads and three prayers are better than one. But finally you need to become one through the process to make a unified decision. In the Doctrine and Covenants it says, "Every decision made by either of these quorums must be by the unanimous voice of the same; that is, every member in each quorum must be agreed to its decisions" (D&C 107:27). For example, recently I was in a meeting where not everyone was in agreement about a decision. So the topic was tabled for further discussion and inspiration. This kept everyone from making a hasty decision that might not have been right.

Fellowship and Friendship

Leadership is lonely, but you have each other. So much of what you do as leaders has to remain confidential. You feel isolated from others. You need support and loyalty from each other, which is one of the benefits of being able to prayerfully choose your own counselors. Generally they are people you can rely on for that sustenance. The special friendships you form in the presidency often last beyond your release and for eternity. "That same sociality which exists among us here will exist among us there, only it will be coupled with eternal glory" (D&C 130:2).

Unity

Unity is essential. It's exemplary to your flock; it's a prerequisite for miracles to happen. Perfect societies have existed in mortality. They had no contention, no envy, no "-ites." They were of one heart and one mind and one faith. It takes work to get to this point, but that perfect love filters to your ward members, and then the atmosphere where miracles can happen is created.

I have in my mind's eye a wonderful Young Women presidency whom I met in Madrid last month. They told me that they had finally figured out a way to have Young Women camp. It had been as glorious as they had anticipated. Then they said as they linked arms, "We love each other so much in our presidency, and we just think the girls feel it, and everything works out so well." They were right. Their love and unity filtered down to the girls in their ward.

Sometimes for various reasons you don't feel unity in a presidency. One counselor may try to outdo the other, or one member may be going through personal difficulties that don't allow her to carry her share of the workload, or there may be some personality conflicts. Whatever the problem is, there are some things that might help. Generally the things that will most help you find unity come from merely living all of the gospel principles more perfectly yourself. These are such principles as forgiveness, patience, and love. You can choose not to be offended. You can choose to lighten a load, knowing that at some point you might be on the needy end too. You can also pray, read scriptures, sing, fast, and attend the temple together. It is possible for one person in a group to bring greater unity to the whole group.

Unified Soul

This peacemaker in your presidency probably feels a unity within herself. Elder Howard W. Hunter said, "The key to a unified church is a unified soul—one that is at peace with itself and not given to inner conflicts and tensions" (Ensign, May 1976, 106). None of us is perfect in living all of these Christlike principles, but with practice we get better and better. Elder D. Todd Christofferson said, "As we endeavor day by day and week by week to follow the path of Christ, our spirit asserts its preeminence, the battle within subsides, and temptations cease to trouble" (Ensign, November 2002, 71).

My dear sisters, I have long been interested in the perfect societies in the scriptures. Because the scriptures model for us the way we deal with our earthly experiences, I know that we can approach perfection in this life. It is both amazing and thrilling to me. "There could not be a happier people among all the people who had been created by the hand of God" (4 Nephi 1:16) than the society in 4 Nephi, "because of the love of God which did dwell in the hearts of the people" (4 Nephi 1:15). This love of God was love from God, love for God, and loving like God loves. President James E. Faust said, "God can not only help us find a sublime and everlasting joy and contentment, but He will change us so that we can become heirs of the kingdom of God" (Ensign, May 1995, 63).

When I'm at one with myself, I feel Heavenly Father's love for me. Then I can give love to others. When I'm unified in relationships "with one mind striving together" (Philippians 1:27), the Lord's work can happen. I know that if we are one, we are His (see D&C 38:27). It is my prayer that you will find peace within as you know of the love of God—that you will feel His love personally and give His love in relationships; that you will be unified with other auxiliaries and within presidencies so that you can be facilitators in bringing about miracles, including the miracle of helping young women make the transition into committed adult women. I know that this unity, oneness, perfection, and wholeness are achievable "by [His] grace, . . . after all we can do" (2 Nephi 25:23). Together as sisters in the gospel we can come unto Christ and be perfected in Him. "Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God" (Moroni 10:32).