"How Will They Know Unless We Teach Them So?"
September 2003

Susan W. Tanner
Young Women General President

Divine Identity

When our children were small, my parents served a mission in San Diego. For Christmas we drove there to see them. Of course, my mother needed to have her grandmother arms filled with her sweet little ones. On one occasion she held our little blond curly-headed Becky on her lap. As she looked into her sparkly big blue eyes, she said tenderly, “I love you Becky.” And Becky looked back and replied, “Everybody does, Grandma!”

I love this story because of Becky’s confidence in feeling loved. Everyone should feel that way, but something happens to our young women between the years of three and thirteen which causes that beloved self-image to deteriorate. I want them to be as convinced as Becky was that they are loved, especially loved by their Father in Heaven.

We are daughters of our Heavenly Father who loves us.

When I was first called as Young Women general president, I was overwhelmed. I hadn’t served in Young Women for several years; but that very first sleepless night I kept repeating in my mind, over and over again, the first line of the Young Women theme: “We are daughters of our Heavenly Father who loves us and we love Him.” I thought about young women all over the world who repeat it in their singsong way. I wondered if they think about what they are saying, if they understand what it teaches. Do they feel it, and know it, and act upon it? I soon had a chance to ask some girls about this.

How do our young women know Heavenly Father loves them?

My dear friend is the Primary president in our ward. She knew I had a busy schedule, but she had no idea about the call I had just received. She called me that next Sunday morning and said, “I need a substitute for the 11- and 12-year-old girls. I know you are too busy right now to do this, but the Spirit just keeps telling me to ask you.” I couldn’t tell her then how profoundly grateful I was for that privilege. I wanted to see the faces of the girls, to feel their spirits, and to know of their testimonies, to understand them, to know what their challenges were, and especially to know if they knew and how they knew that Heavenly Father loved them. This was the perfect opportunity.

I asked the girls when I taught them how they knew Heavenly Father loved them; and they were quite reluctant to respond out loud, so I had them write their thoughts on a paper. As they were writing, they muttered such things as, “This is hard,” and “I don’t know if I do know.”

Then at my first good opportunity, I also asked my grown children, “How do you know Heavenly Father loves you?” One knew by His abundant blessings. One felt it when he was out in nature. Another knew when she prayed. Another knew when she gave birth to her first baby. Another said that sometimes he doesn’t know, and in those moments he remembers the times when he has felt God’s love in his life and that sustains him through the uncertain times. Another one said that being in a good family helps her to know her Heavenly Father and feel His love.

I am grateful they are learning how to recognize the Lord’s love. So many young people struggle to know. Recently, Father Val J. Peter from Boys Town America spoke at a statewide conference for the American Mothers. His institution works with about 37,000 troubled youth who feel, as he said, that they have “run out of people who love them.” He said that these youth define themselves by what they wear. Their only identity is the name brand of their clothes. They have no identity in relationships. We want our youth to feel loved in this most important relationship with their Father in Heaven.

I now ask young women everywhere I go how they know of His love. These are some of their responses: “I pray to Him and He answers.” “I think and hope He loves me, but I don’t know. I want to know.” “He’s given me a lot of blessings, forgiveness, family, Atonement.” “I feel it in my heart.” “I feel safe and protected. “Other churches focus on not being worthy; ours focuses on being loved.” “He blessed me with a good family and friends; His spirit calms me.” “I’ve had sickness and trial, and Heavenly Father comforted me through everything.”

The answers of my children and these young women confirm my thoughts. We can know and feel of Heavenly Father’s love for us in many ways. Here are several of the most important ways. Let me briefly discuss each.

Seven ways we know of our Father in Heaven’s love for us.

1. When He blesses us. When we count our blessings we prepare our hearts for revelation. Remembering our blessings invites the Spirit into our lives. It says in Moroni 10:3–4, “That ye would remember how merciful the Lord hath been unto the children of men . . . and ponder it in your hearts . . . and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost.”
2. When we read the scriptures. Elder Neal A. Maxwell said simply, “How can we know that God is aware of us and loves us? He tells us by the scriptures—likewise, by our honestly counting the blessings and bestowals of His grace in our lives. Most of all, He tells us by the still, small voice of the Spirit” (Ensign, November 2002, 18).
3. When we pray. “Wherefore, . . . pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love” (Moroni 7:48).
4. When we keep our covenants. The people at the waters of Mormon learned, “What have you against being baptized in the name of the Lord, as a witness before him that ye have entered into a covenant with him, that ye will serve him and keep his commandments, that he may pour out his Spirit more abundantly upon you?” (Mosiah 18:10).
5. When we experience the peace of nature. This earth is God’s gift to us to “gladden our hearts” and “enliven our souls” (D&C 59:18–19). It is a place where we can find peace and “be still and know that I am God” (D&C 101:16). This is one of the reasons we want the young women to have a “camp” experience.
6. When we are surrounded by family members and other caring loved ones. President Kimball said, “God does notice us, and He watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs” (Ensign, December 1974, 5).
7. When we go through trials and receive comfort. In Romans 5:3–5 we read, “But we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope: and hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.”

The common thread in all of these things is that we feel God’s love when we feel the Spirit. “The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God” (Romans 8:16). We know of Heavenly Father’s love for us when the Spirit testifies of it to our souls.

Why is it crucial for our young women to know of God’s love for them?

If young women know of God’s love for them, they will know they have a mission to perform in this life. They will have confidence in their ability to make responsible, righteous decisions. They will be able to resist temptation, to flee from worldly things, to dress modestly as is becoming of a divine daughter of God. Because they understand their true identity they will be able to reach out in love to others, recognizing the divinity in them as well as themselves. They will be filled with the Spirit and learn to recognize how it feels, so they can rely upon it for guidance and comfort. It will sustain them through life’s inevitable transitions and trials.

Moses learned these very lessons as he encountered God and spoke with Him face to face. He learned who he was and that he had a mission to perform. Let’s look in the scriptures in Moses Chapter 1:

Vs. 1: ”Caught up into an exceedingly high mountain” (away from the world and worldliness)
Vs. 2: “Saw God face to face” (had an undeniable spiritual experience)
Vs. 4: “thou art my son” (learns his true identity)
Vs. 6: “I have a work for thee” (a plan, a purpose, a mission); “thou art in the similitude of mine Only Begotten” (we are and can be like Him)
Vs. 11: “My natural eyes could not have beheld . . . his face, for I was transfigured” (could only have this experience with God’s glory upon him)
Vs. 12: “Satan came tempting him” (Satan targets the righteous)
Vs. 14: “I can look upon thee in the natural man” (realizes Satan has no glory)
Vs. 15: “I can judge between thee and God” (capable of making a righteous judgment)
Vs. 16: “Get thee hence, Satan” (first rebuke)
Vs. 18: “I will not cease to call upon God, . . . I can judge, . . . Depart hence” (prays; second rebuke)
Vs. 19: “Satan . . . ranted upon the earth . . . saying: I am the Only Begotten” (Satan tries to deceive)
Vs. 20: “Moses began to fear. . . . Nevertheless, calling upon God, he received strength, . . . Depart from me, Satan” (prays for strength; third rebuke)
Vs. 21: “Depart hence” (fourth rebuke)
Vs. 24: Moses was “filled with the Holy Ghost” (comforted)
Vs. 25-26: “Blessed art thou, . . . I . . . have chosen thee, . . . I am with thee” (again reminded of his divine identity and mission)

Moses’ experience provides a model for us. Like Moses each young woman needs to know who she is, that she is a beloved daughter of Heavenly Father with a purpose and mission in this life. President Hinckley reiterated this when he spoke directly to them:

“How marvelous a thing it is to contemplate that each of you is a daughter of God, a girl with a divine birthright and a divine destiny. . . . 

“I wish you—each of you, wherever you are—to know that you are loved. You are loved by your Father in Heaven, of whose divine nature you have partaken. And He desires that His Holy Spirit will be near you wherever you go if you will invite it and cultivate it.

“There is something of divinity within each of you. You have such tremendous potential with that quality as a part of your inherited nature. Every one of you was endowed by your Father in Heaven with a tremendous capacity to do good in the world. Train your minds and your hands that you may be equipped to serve well in the society of which you are a part. Cultivate the art of being kind, of being thoughtful, of being helpful. Refine within you the quality of mercy which comes as a part of the divine attributes you have inherited.

“Some of you may feel that you are not as attractive and beautiful and glamorous as you would like to be. Rise above any such feelings, cultivate the light you have within you, and it will shine through as a radiant expression that will be seen by others.

“You need never feel inferior. You need never feel that you were born without talents or without opportunities to give them expression. Cultivate whatever talents you have, and they will grow and refine and become an expression of your true self appreciated by others.

“In summary, try a little harder to measure up to the divine within each of you” (Ensign, May 1995, 99).

How can we teach them to know and feel Heavenly Father’s love?

We can help young women “measure up to the divine within” so they, like Moses, can resist temptation, make righteous choices and fulfill their divine missions. Let me discuss four specific ways we can teach them to know and feel Heavenly Father’s love: (1) strengthen families, (2) provide other caring friends of all ages, (3) prepare them with skills, (4) teach private religious behaviors of praying, scripture reading, and keeping covenants.

Strengthen families. An understanding of their divine identity can best come from strong and loving families. Our four-year-old grandson and his family lived with us this summer. One day the neighbor boy had been mean to him while they were playing. Later as we drove somewhere in the car, Tanner was lamenting to us that this boy didn’t like him. As we tried to console him we talked about the many friends he had left behind in New York. “Yes,” he said, “they are all my friends. But my best friends are Daddy and Mommy and Jane” (his little sister). Tanner was right.

In an ideal world, every child would be able to say that his family members are his best friends. As auxiliary leaders we must do everything we can to assist our priesthood leaders in strengthening families. True identity will more surely be recognized by young people who know love and have the security of the priesthood sealing power of the temple. If they do not have these blessings now in their lives, we must give them the vision of that possibility. They need to see that they can strengthen their current homes and prepare to have eternally bonded families of their own.

Elizabeth, a 16-year-old convert, was recently baptized into the Church. Her family life was dysfunctional, but she was good and sweet beyond measure. She wanted a good home in the future, but worried because she was not sure how to do it. Her Young Women leaders became her role models and voices of instruction and inspiration for her. One night she had a vivid yet simple dream which projected into her future. She saw herself picking up her own two little children from their Primary classes. She woke up ecstatic with the possibility that she could actually be involved in the Church in her future, nurturing her own children in the gospel. You loving leaders can model righteous families for those who do not come from strong homes.

Provide other caring friends. Other loved ones beyond family members can help young people know who they really are. President Hinckley has said that all of us need a friend, a responsibility, and nurturing with the good word of God. (Ensign, November 1997, 51)

We often talk about the transitions these young women are making as they grow into adulthood. In these times of change they are particularly vulnerable. Tanner, our grandson, felt vulnerable as he left New York and all of his little friends. He needed other people to love him and help him through this time. These young women also need caring friendships. If they have the foundational knowledge of who they are, they will be less vulnerable. They will be able to sustain that knowledge if they are surrounded by love. Primary leaders, Young Women leaders, Relief Society leaders, bishops, grandparents, aunts, uncles, neighbors all need to reach out to care for our youth.

At the American Mothers conference held this month I saw a powerful example of a community of people strengthening one another. A Tongan choir sang. It was made up of people of all ages. It was established so that the older people could unite with the younger ones and teach them about their heritage and thus preserve their culture and language in the minds and hearts of their offspring. They were joyous and comfortable together.

I believe that we should follow their pattern, that we should gather together our young sisters with our older sisters, that we should learn from one another and enjoy each other. I recently read an article by a Christian mother, Mardi Keyes, telling about the 20th century “invention” of adolescence. Prior to this time families worked and played together, learned from each other, enjoyed each other. She says:

“When all ages rubbed shoulders together throughout the day, it was assumed that the young would quite naturally and unselfconsciously grow up into maturity through observing and relating to adults in many casual settings” (“Youth Culture and Growing Up, Part Two,” Critique, 2000, 9). “The changes in size, sexual maturity and intellectual capability associated with the teen years were viewed as milestones of progress toward competent adulthood, rather than a cause for crisis and alarm” (“Youth Culture and Growing Up, Part One,” Critique, 2000, 10).

We will help our young women know of Heavenly Father’s love for them as we surround them with loving adults. Our church programs provide safe places to gather together in Mutual and Home, Family, and Personal Enrichment meetings. These meetings can be profitably used to build caring relationships and to prepare youth with life skills.

Help them develop talents and skills. As young people develop skills and talents they will grow in confidence. Their added self-worth will help them understand Heavenly Father’s love for them as well. With their growing homemaking skills, provident living skills, leadership skills, and developing talents they will be more temporally self-reliant. They will be able to reach out to others, acting upon their compassionate natures, better appreciating the divinity within others around them.

I’ve seen the happy faces of a group of young women who learned to make pillow cases. Some of them just couldn’t believe they had done it. I’ve seen youth lose themselves in a ward garden—planting, pulling weeds, and harvesting. They were astounded that vegetables didn’t just come from the store. Then they shared tomatoes, squash, and potatoes with others.

Teach private religious behavior. As our youth come to know their Heavenly Father through prayer, scripture reading, and covenant-keeping they will feel His love. Personal Progress is one of the tools in the Young Women program that helps teach spiritual self-reliance. Too often we get caught up in the mechanics of the program. Tired parents and leaders sigh as they think of this as just one more thing to nag the girls about. Instead they should understand that Personal Progress provides a rich opportunity for girls to read the scriptures with a purpose in mind and to write about and discuss (with caring adults) the things they have learned and felt. These are testimony moments. They are also learning to make and keep goals which will help them make and keep covenants. These foundational spiritual skills will help them feel Heavenly Father’s love.

So we must not only say with our Young Women every week, “we are daughters of our Heavenly Father who loves us,” we must also teach it. We must model and love, talk and testify. As the song says, “How will they know unless we teach them so?”

How will they know, the ones for whom we care,
That God is love and with us everywhere,
That life is good, with blessings all can share?
How will they know unless we teach them so?

How will they learn that, though they go astray,
God will forgive and help them find the way?
How will they feel the Spirit day by day?
How will they know unless we teach them so?

How will they grow in wisdom and delight?
How will they choose to follow what is right?
How can they trust the future will be bright?
How will they know unless we show them?

How will they live when they at last are grown?
What will they give to children of their own?
Will they reflect the values we have shown?
How will they know, as on through life they go?
How will they know unless we strive to teach them so?
(Children’s Songbook, pp. 182–185)

Overwhelmed Leaders

Now a final word to you wonderful leaders. Thank you for teaching young women to know their divine identity. Your callings are so crucial and thrilling, but also challenging.

Last spring during the Open House I attended one of the Young Women workshops on how to be a faithful leader. I happened to sit by a leader who was sighing loudly with each point that was made. So I struck up a whispered conversation with her.

Me: “What’s your calling?”
Her: “Young Women President.”
Me: “How long have you been in?”
Her: “Two weeks.”
Me: (encouragingly) “It’s so overwhelming at first, but I know you can do it!”
Her: (tearfully) “How? My husband died six months ago, so I’ve had to go back to work full time to support myself and my three children.”
Me: “I suppose your bishop is aware of all of this?”
Her: “Yes.”
Me: “Then I know you can do it. There must be a special reason that you are needed, why you were called. The Spirit will help you know what that is. Do you have good counselors?”
Her: “The best!”
Me: “Then delegate everything that you don’t have to do yourself. Heavenly Father will bless all of you. He doesn’t call us to fail. And He cares much more than we do about His daughters. As President Hinckley always says, ‘We just have to do the best we can.’”

Even though I tried to be encouraging and positive with this leader, I have continued to worry for her and for all of you, because an assignment in Young Women is a constant and demanding calling. To add to the general busyness of the calling, you are usually asked to do it at a time in your life when your personal and family life is at its height of complexity. When I was first asked to be a Young Women president, I had three children under the age of three and my husband was working full time at odd jobs and writing his dissertation. Years later when I was called to be the stake Young Women president, the children were at the height of their teen years, involved in lessons, sports, and other extra-curricular activities, and my husband was the stake president of a BYU student stake. Calls are rarely convenient. I well remember feeling overwhelmed at times by my Young Women callings.

When I was called to my current assignment, my husband and I were “empty-nesters” for the first time. Even though it was quieter at our home than I liked, it was appropriately serene for me as I studied and pondered and worked to learn my new responsibilities. My husband, my greatest support, prepared soup, cheese toast, and other simple delicacies for dinner every night to further ease my home load.

After nine months of quiet hard work, my at-home challenges began. Most of our family of thirteen—children, spouses, and grandchildren—were with us again all summer. In and of itself that made life hectic with meals, laundry, and schedules. Add to that two broken down cars, a broken dryer, a flooded basement, a broken swamp cooler, two toilets not working, a computer on the blink, some black eyes, some stitches, some broken ribs, and four babies with croup, not to mention a myriad of typical emotional problems. These are the kinds of things that mothers deal with all the time. I am used to that, but I wasn’t used to it in conjunction with the busy calling that I was doing.

All of a sudden I remembered the overwhelmed Young Women president that I had talked to last spring. I felt like Heavenly Father was giving me the opportunity to empathize and understand first hand what she (and so many of you) are going through. I felt overwhelmed, too. So I asked myself what I was learning and relearning through this experience that might help me and help each of you. Elder Robert D. Hales said, “Each of us must go through certain experiences to become more like our Savior. In the school of mortality, the tutor is often pain and tribulation, but the lessons are meant to refine and bless us and strengthen us, not to destroy us” (Ensign, May 2003, 17). I wrote down some things that I felt I was learning.

First, my greatest source of peace comes from my personal religious behavior, praying, reading scriptures, meditating. It is always crucial to make time for this.

Second, the family is always under attack, because it is “central to the Creator’s plan” (“The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102). It is eternal and the most important unit in this life. We will be released from our current callings, but we will never be released from our most important callings in our families as wives and mothers.

Third, dedication (consecrating our whole selves) requires the whole heart. In these calls we must learn to balance, but we must give as Paul gave, keeping “back nothing” (Acts 20:20). There are so many wonderful examples of Young Women leaders who kept back nothing.

I’m reminded of Ruth May Fox, the third Young Women general president. Her motto was, “the Kingdom of God or nothing” (Janet Peterson and LaRene Gaunt, Keepers of the Flame [1993], 49). From beginning to end her life was not easy. Her mother died when she was a baby, so she stayed in numerous homes before she was eight years old. She walked all of the way to the Salt Lake Valley because there was no room in their wagon for an occasional ride. She had little chance for the formal schooling that she would have loved. In her marriage there were trials—failed businesses, three of their twelve children died, a surprise second wife. And if anyone could have felt overwhelmed by callings in the Church, she might have when she served for six years simultaneously as a ward YLMIA president and also as a member of the General YLMIA Board. But she saw it as an “opportunity for growth and service beyond [her] fondest dreams” (Keepers of the Flame, 49). She was dedicated with her whole heart to the Lord. She said, “The gospel has meant everything to me. It has been my very breath, my mantle of protection against temptation, my consolation in sorrow, my joy and glory through out all my days, and my hope of eternal life. The Kingdom of God or nothing has been my motto” (Keepers of the Flame, 49).

Fourth, our service is a great blessing, not just a sacrifice, for our families. We should share the joys we feel as we serve. (Be careful about constant complaints.) We should testify to our families of the little miracles that bless us along the way. I was blessed by such a miracle recently.

We were involved in planning a cultural event for the youth in Africa. One of our specialists felt impressed that we should use a Christian song called, “A Plea for Africa.” He first learned of it from his mother who had heard it sung by a youth choir when she visited Ghana. He asked his mother if she had a copy of the music, which she thought she did. But it wasn’t in the folder where she usually kept it. Even without the music he still felt we should use it. That very week in his home ward sacrament meeting, he met a man who was from Africa. Our specialist asked him if he was by chance from Ghana, which he was. He asked if by chance he knew of this song, which he did. In fact he had sung it in a youth choir several years ago for some visitors to their country (to his mother, in fact). Then the African man said, “Before I got on the airplane I felt that for some reason I should bring this music with me. Here it is for you!”

Telling this miracle to my family not only helped them and me feel the great joy that comes in serving the Lord, but it also helped me realize another thing I had learned which is to trust in the Lord.

Fifth, learn to trust, to have faith in Heavenly Father. Remember the prayers that have been answered. When the Lord wants us to do His work, He will provide a way, as He did with our youth event for Africa.

Sixth, the Atonement of Jesus Christ is the only way we make it through our trials. After all we can do, we have to rely on His strength. “Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God; I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness” (Isaiah 41:10).

In a sense I felt I was counting my blessings as I assessed my “learnings.” This opened my heart to the Spirit. I felt calmer as I saw Heavenly Father’s hand in my life and felt His love for me. My situation didn’t change, but I felt strengthened as I tried to renew my faith. This can be true for you, too, and for the young women with whom you work.

I know that when we humbly seek Him, He answers our prayers; He feels after us; He heals us and then charges us to again be about His business of feeding His sheep.

“Be thou humble; and the Lord thy God shall lead thee by the hand, and give thee answer to thy prayers. . . . And after their temptations, and much tribulation, behold, I, the Lord, will feel after them, and if they harden not their hearts, and stiffen not their necks against me, they shall be converted, and I will heal them. Now, I say unto you . . . Arise and gird up your loins, take up your cross, follow me, and feed my sheep” (D&C 112:10, 13–14, italics added).

I pray for His blessings to be upon you in your thrilling, challenging assignments. As you are strengthened, upheld, and healed, I pray you will feed His sheep and help them to know of His love. This is His work, and it is our glorious privilege to be His instruments, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen