Questions and Answers
Can I Have Hope for a Happy Marriage If I Marry Someone Who Struggles with Pornography?
I chose him because I loved him and saw him striving to change.
It wasn’t long after we started dating when my (now) husband told me about his pornography struggle.
I was, understandably, devastated. We hadn’t talked about marriage yet, but I was excited about him and where I thought our relationship could lead. I had decided many years earlier that I wanted to be sealed to a worthy priesthood holder. Other than his struggle, he was everything I had been looking for: kind, hardworking, caring, fun. And, most of all, he loved the Lord.
He was completely honest with me about his struggles. He took ownership for his actions and didn’t make excuses. He was meeting with his bishop and a counselor regularly. He attended 12-step meetings, read self-help books, journaled, attended his church meetings, and fulfilled his callings. I honestly felt like he was doing everything within his power to overcome this habit, but I had to decide if I truly trusted him—and the process of change he was pursuing—enough to move forward.
Changing How I Perceived Him
One day as I sat in the celestial room of the temple, I humbly asked God what He would have me do. I didn’t pray to know if I should marry this man but simply asked if I should keep dating him with the hope that he would be healed someday.
All at once, I was overcome by intense feelings of love—Heavenly Father’s and Jesus Christ’s perfect, compassionate love for this man I was dating. Their love washed over me, and I felt great hope that he would be healed. The Spirit whispered to me that his struggle to overcome pornography had helped him to know and to love the Savior and the gospel with all of his heart. I didn’t come away from that experience knowing the path forward, but once I felt God’s immense love for this man, I had a great desire to love him too.
Dating was a joyful time for us, but I admittedly felt sad that this habit was looming in the background. Amid the fun dates and budding love, there were addiction recovery meetings, emotional therapy sessions, lonely nights, and many tear-filled prayers. But those experiences also brought me so close to Heavenly Father and the Savior.
President Russell M. Nelson said:
“God so loved the world that He sent His Only Begotten Son [see John 3:16] to help us. And His Son, Jesus Christ, gave His life for us. All so that we could have access to godly power—power sufficient to deal with the burdens, obstacles, and temptations of our day. …
“When you reach up for the Lord’s power in your life with the same intensity that a drowning person has when grasping and gasping for air, power from Jesus Christ will be yours.”1
There were many times when I felt like I was drowning, grasping for any sense of normalcy in our relationship, all while somehow having this deep sense of peace that the Savior was going to help us through this.
Rather than letting this trial defeat us, we chose to draw closer together and to the Savior. The work we put into recovery taught us to fight for our relationship. The difficult, vulnerable conversations strengthened our communication. The Savior became our center as we sought guidance in the scriptures and prayed with earnest, sincere faith. Through this struggle, we found great purpose and desire to stand by our covenants and to seek the Savior’s healing power in our lives.
Step by step, these efforts helped my then-fiancé to get his temple recommend as we prepared to be sealed together for eternity. Some people thought I was crazy for choosing to marry him despite knowing about his struggles with pornography. But each day, I chose him and felt confident in my decision from the Spirit because he is a beautiful person inside and out. He is honest, and he treats me with respect. While this isn’t the right path for everyone, I trusted the witness I’d received because I could see his humble heart and his desire and efforts to change.
Hope in Jesus Christ
We’ve now been married for five years. Some days we feel full of faith, joy, and hope; on other days, we struggle with the unknown and wonder what life will be like when we both experience full healing. We often call our journey a “beautiful mess” because while it’s certainly been messy, it’s also been full of many beautiful growing moments that have made us stronger and prepared us to face other significant trials with faith and hope.
Years ago in that sealing room, I’m grateful that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ gave me the bravery to choose this life and the guidance to continue to navigate it (however imperfectly). We’re blessed now to live near the temple we were sealed in—a reminder of the covenants that assure us that our love is worth all the effort and that complete healing will be ours one day.
I hold on to the truths Elder Neil L. Andersen once taught: “Miracles are not always so immediate. At times we thoughtfully wonder why the miracle we have so earnestly prayed for does not happen here and now. But as we trust in the Savior, promised miracles will occur. Whether in this life or the next, all will be made right.”2
So the question remains: can someone still have hope for a happy marriage if they marry someone who struggles with pornography? It depends. For me, the answer was yes, but only because I saw my companion’s sincere efforts to change, he was honest with me, and I earnestly sought and received guidance from Heavenly Father. When I chose to marry my husband, I promised to love him for the son of God he is and to support him in his efforts to overcome his weaknesses, just as he supports me in mine.
So while this journey together has stretched me in more ways than I could’ve prepared for or imagined, we have experienced a deepness and richness in our relationship and faith that has blessed us in many ways. And I’ll always be grateful for that. As you involve Heavenly Father and invite the Spirit into your life, They will guide you in your decisions as they did for me.