Why Wasn’t God Changing My Life?

Name withheld

When my marriage turned into a nightmare, I learned about the power of agency.

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When I was 23, I was sealed in the temple to the man of my dreams. I cannot remember a happier day in my entire life.

But everything I always expected for my life started to fall apart with dizzying speed. My husband grew increasingly physically and emotionally abusive toward me.

I felt confusion and pain. I didn’t understand why my faithfulness didn’t seem to make a difference in my marriage. I had served a full-time mission, kept my covenants, followed the commandments, and even served as a temple worker. But no matter how much I tried to grow closer to Jesus Christ, my marriage only became more difficult.

Looking back, I realized that even though I’d prayerfully considered if I should marry my husband and had faith that we could work through problems, I had ignored signs of potential problems that later arose in our marriage.

Finding Answers

After five years of loneliness and abuse, my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ was suffering. My expectations for my life were derailed and unmet.

I felt broken.

When it became clear that my husband was unwilling to change, I began asking God to deliver me from my situation or to show me the right path to take. But when the answers I needed were not coming, I began to blame Heavenly Father as the cause of my pain.

I continued to attend church and keep my covenants, but my heart was full of resentment at the lack of direction.

Then one day I realized that I did have the answer to my situation—I had to use my agency to act and change my circumstances. And I knew what decision would be best for me with my end goal of returning to Heavenly Father.

I finally decided to take a step forward: I talked to my husband, and miraculously, we ended our relationship in harmony.

The Power to Choose

This difficult experience helped me learn about the power and vital importance of our God-given gift of agency.

President Dallin H. Oaks, First Counselor in the First Presidency, has taught: “Looking back, we can see what a great difference some of our choices made in our lives. We make better choices and decisions if we look at the alternatives and ponder where they will lead. As we do, we will be following President Russell M. Nelson’s counsel to begin with the end in mind. For us, the end is always on the covenant path through the temple to eternal life, the greatest of all the gifts of God.”¹

I realized that Heavenly Father won’t interfere with anyone’s agency—He let me make my own decision in marrying my husband. He also wouldn’t force my husband to change, even though I was holding to my covenants, because an eternal marriage takes spiritual and temporal effort from both people as they follow Jesus Christ.

When faced with struggles, we can use our agency to change our perspectives, our attitudes, and even ourselves. That is the divine gift of agency. Heavenly Father wants us to seek Him and the Spirit and then trust ourselves to make the best decisions for our lives.

Turning to the Savior

At first I expected to heal and move on quickly from my abusive marriage, but the process has been slow and difficult. Through therapeutic tools, listening to the prophets’ messages, reading scriptures, praying, and feeling love and support from friends and family, I feel hope for a better future. As I use my agency to find healing, I look forward to a life that involves forgiveness and beautiful relationships with others, including the Savior.

With increased understanding of how to use agency in my life, my bitterness toward God turned to understanding, and my relationship with Him was able to heal.

This is what the gospel is all about—making our own choices to come unto Christ, acting on counsel from the prophets who encourage us to use our agency to trust the Lord, and creating a beautiful, faith-filled life.

As Sister Camille N. Johnson, Relief Society General President, taught: “The sublime principle of agency does, of course, allow us to write our own stories. ... But Jesus Christ stands ready to use us as divine instruments ... to write a masterpiece ... if [we] have the faith to let Him, if [we] will let Him author [our] story.”²

Ending my marriage was one of the most painful experiences I have ever faced. But I’ve learned that when faced with unexpected trials in life, we can seek spiritual guidance and make decisions that move us forward on the covenant path. By following Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, we can always have hope in good things to come and in Their promised blessings of peace and joy.

The author lives in Chile.